Bravery
by hushedgreylily
Summary: "Every man is afraid of something. That's how you know he's in love with you; when he is afraid of losing you." Almost a Set-Up post-ep. Spoilers for Countdown promo.


**Haven't got much of an AN but MAJOR SPOILERS FOR SET-UP.**

**And nothing belongs to me.**

"_Every man is afraid of something. That's how you know he's in love with you; when he is afraid of losing you."_

Richard Castle could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times he'd been this terrified.

1.

When he'd stood in Meredith's delivery room, and Alexis had been so small, a tiny pale thing with a shock of red hair, too pale.

It took him seconds to realise that the silence he was hearing was bad news, and he wanted nothing more than to hear her cry. His view was suddenly crowded by a sea of green scrubs, and he wanted to say something, wanted to ask if his daughter was going to be all right, but his mouth was dry and the words were all sealed up in his throat.

His heart thumped in his chest, he stood there in stoic, pained silence.

And then the cries flew through the air, completely effortless, and even through the sleepless nights that would follow, he would always think of them as the most beautiful sound.

* * *

2.

When he'd spun round in the mall, and the space occupied by a giggling, fiery haired four year old was suddenly vacant.

The hour that had followed had been the most painful of his life, his pulse never slowing, the stinging never ceasing in the corners of his eyes. No one's reassurances, no security guard, no cop, no kindly stranger, could calm him. His wild imagination almost drove him crazy, the thought of living without his daughter making it hard to breathe.

When he found her, long red eyelashes against pale cheeks, sleeping, unawares of the trouble she's caused, he could still hardly let out a breath.

He'd realised how impossible it would be to protect her forever.

* * *

3.

When he'd almost felt the heat of the explosion as Beckett's apartment building burst into flames behind him.

He'd clutched the fence, the acrid taste of nausea rising in his throat. For a moment he was frozen, unable to even comprehend the concept of losing Beckett.

Possibility flashed before his eyes - he supposed he'd always imagine he'd one day find the courage and lose the self-preservation, he'd finally act on the feelings that he was harbouring for Beckett, feelings that however under wraps he kept them, couldn't seem to stop growing.

He still doesn't remember how he got from the sidewalk to her apartment door, but the moment he heard her voice, and then when he saw her, all long willowy, _bare_ limbs, he could hardly move for a second.

He could hardly think, as he realised how much he needed her.

* * *

4.

When the 3XK killer had had a gun to his head, and everything was - cliché as it was - flashing before his eyes. He'd never thought of himself as a man with many regrets, but suddenly he could list them all, they were flowing through his mind without restraint.

He wanted to kiss Alexis goodnight, he wanted to take her to visit colleges, he wanted her to choose one – not too far away – and he wanted to watch her graduate, tears in his eyes. He wanted to walk her down the aisle, he wanted to see her find her own little niche, he perfect place in the world, whatever that meant.

He wanted to find the courage to tell Beckett how he felt, he wanted to kiss her without warning, not give her a chance to overthink anyway – he wanted to test if he really had seen something real in her eyes. He wanted to dance close to her, he wanted to wake up with her in the morning, he wanted to take her to the Hamptons summer after summer, he wanted to read lines in her face, he wanted to watch her grow old with him.

When she'd rushed in, hurried, un-though-out words on her lips, he'd wished he'd had the courage to tell her all that.

* * *

5.

As he whispers "stay with me…" in a frozen broken voice, he's holding her in his arms.

She feels so small, so brittle with him wrapped around her, and he can hardly bring himself to comprehend what he's seeing – her lips are tinged purple, her skin almost grey.

She's slipping through his fingers before he even has hold of her, really.

He's thinking of Alexis, and his mother, and wishing over and over for another moment with them, to hold his daughter one last time, to tell his mother what he hadn't enough, that he loved her.

But in the end, they knew, both of them, they knew that he loved them. The woman in his arms, however, the woman he'd step into the line of fire for, the woman he'd break the law for, the woman he'd kill for… he'd never told her.

"Castle…" he hears her breathe and he's frozen in fear, and her eyes drift closed.

There's nothing he can do but whisper "I love you, I love you, I love you" and hold her as close as he can.

But that kind of courage won't help him now.

There's nothing to do but wait.

**Reviews are always welcome!**


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